There are rules we follow every day without consciously deciding to follow them. Some are practical. We stop at red lights. We turn up to appointments. We meet responsibilities we have agreed to take on. Other rules are much less visible. They tend to live inside our thoughts:
- “I should be able to cope with this.”
- “I shouldn’t need help.”
- “I should be more productive.”
- “I should have got over this by now.”
- “I mustn’t let people down.”
- “I should always be in control.”
These statements can sound perfectly reasonable, particularly when we have repeated them to ourselves for years. In CBT, we often pay attention to these “shoulds”, “musts” and “have tos” because they can reveal the expectations and rules we hold for ourselves. Those rules may initially have helped guide us. When they become rigid, however, they can turn everyday difficulties into evidence that we are somehow falling short.
Where do our “shoulds” come from?
Very few of us sit down and consciously decide on the rules by which we will judge ourselves. They develop gradually. Some come from our families and the messages we received growing up. Others develop through school, work, relationships, culture and our experiences of what gained approval or prevented criticism. Perhaps being capable was valued in your family. Perhaps you learned that being a good person meant putting other people first. Maybe success brought recognition while mistakes felt difficult to tolerate. You might have learned that strong people cope quietly, responsible people do not let others down or productive people use their time well. Over time, these ideas can become internal rules:
- “I should cope.”
- “I should help.”
- “I must get things right.”
- “I shouldn’t inconvenience anyone.”
Eventually we may stop noticing that these are beliefs at all. They simply feel like the way things are.
When a preference becomes a demand
There is nothing problematic about wanting to cope well, be reliable, work hard or support the people around you. The difficulty often lies in the language of the rule. Compare: “I would like to do this well.” with: “I must do this well.” Or: “I value being there for people.” with: “I should always be available when someone needs me.” The first statements express preferences or values. The second leave much less room for circumstances, limitations or competing needs. This distinction matters because life will inevitably put us in situations where we cannot meet every expectation. We become tired. We get ill. We make mistakes. Two people may need us at the same time. Work becomes unusually demanding. Our own needs sometimes conflict with what somebody else wants from us. A flexible preference can adapt to those realities. A rigid rule often responds with criticism.
“I should be able to cope”
This is one of the most common rules people bring into therapy. Someone may be dealing with bereavement, illness, uncertainty, workplace pressure, caring responsibilities or several difficult events at once, and still find themselves thinking: “I should be coping better than this”. Notice what happens when that thought is added to an already difficult situation. There is the original distress. Then there is a second layer: “I shouldn’t be distressed”. Instead of simply experiencing anxiety, sadness or exhaustion, we begin judging ourselves for experiencing it. This can lead to shame, frustration and further anxiety. We are no longer only dealing with what is difficult. We are also dealing with the belief that we should not be finding it difficult.
When values turn into pressure
Many “should” statements contain something valuable underneath them.
- “I should always be there for my family” may reflect love and loyalty.
- “I should do everything properly” may reflect conscientiousness.
- “I shouldn’t let people down” may reflect reliability and care.
- “I should be productive” may reflect ambition or a desire to make good use of time.
The aim is not necessarily to get rid of what these rules represent. It is to ask whether the rule has become so rigid that the original value is being lost. Caring for others, for example, does not have to mean always saying yes. Being conscientious does not require never making a mistake. Being productive does not mean every hour needs to produce something measurable. Being strong does not mean never struggling. When values become rules that cannot bend, something that once gave our life direction can begin to create pressure instead.
The effect of “shoulds” on anxiety
Rigid rules can make ordinary uncertainty feel threatening because there is suddenly a standard we have to meet. If your rule is “I should always know what I’m doing”, uncertainty can feel like incompetence. If the rule is “I must not disappoint people”, saying no can become frightening. If you believe “I should always be able to cope”, asking for help may feel like failure. The rule shapes not only how we think, but how we behave. We may overwork, over-prepare, avoid difficult conversations, take on too much or put our own needs aside. In the short term, following the rule can reduce anxiety. Saying yes prevents somebody being disappointed. Working late ensures the task is completed. Avoiding asking for help protects us from feeling vulnerable. The longer-term cost may be exhaustion, resentment, anxiety or a growing sense that we can never quite do enough.
Whose rule is it?
One useful CBT question is surprisingly simple: “Where did I learn that I should do this?” Sometimes the answer is obvious. You may immediately hear a parent’s voice, remember an expectation from school or recognise the culture of a workplace. At other times, the origin is less clear. You can then ask:
- “Do I still agree with this rule?”
- “Is it realistic in every situation?”
- “Does it apply equally to everyone, or mainly to me?”
That final question can reveal a great deal. Imagine a friend tells you: “I’ve had an incredibly difficult few months and I’m exhausted. I feel terrible because I should be coping better.” Would you agree? Or would you recognise that their exhaustion makes sense given what they are carrying? We often allow other people context, compassion and flexibility while judging ourselves according to much stricter rules.
From rigid rule to flexible guideline
The aim is not to replace every “should” with the opposite. If your thought is: “I should always do my best”, the alternative does not have to be: “I don’t care how well I do”. Instead, we can soften the rule while preserving what matters within it.:
- “I like to do things well, and my best will look different depending on the circumstances.”
- “I value supporting other people, and I also have limits.”
- “I want to cope as well as I can, and there will be times when I need support.”
- “I prefer not to disappoint people, although I cannot prevent everyone from ever feeling disappointed.”
These statements tend to feel less absolute. They acknowledge values without turning them into demands.
What happens if you break the rule?
Sometimes it can be useful to look beneath a “should” and ask what you fear would happen if you did not follow it.
- If you think: “I should always say yes when my family needs me” ask: “What would it mean about me if I said no?” Perhaps the answer is: “I’d be selfish”.
- If your rule is: “I should never make mistakes” ask: “What would a mistake mean about me?” Perhaps: “It would mean I’m not good enough”.
This is often where we discover that apparently simple “should” statements are connected to much deeper beliefs about being good enough, lovable, responsible, competent or worthy. Understanding that connection can make the rule much easier to work with.
Trying something different
Changing rigid rules is not only about finding different words. Sometimes we need experiences that show us the rule may not be as necessary as it feels. You might leave a non-urgent task until tomorrow rather than forcing yourself to finish it when exhausted. You might ask somebody for help. You could say no to a request when you genuinely do not have the capacity. You might allow someone to be mildly disappointed without immediately trying to make it better. Then observe what happens. Perhaps the outcome you feared does not occur. Perhaps somebody is disappointed and you discover that you can tolerate it. Perhaps asking for help brings connection rather than judgement. Each experience can begin to loosen the certainty of the old rule.
A different question to ask yourself
When you hear the word “should” in your internal dialogue, try becoming curious about it. Rather than immediately obeying the rule, ask:
- “Is this something I genuinely want or value, or something I believe I have to do?”
- “What circumstances am I failing to take into account?” a
- “How would I phrase this if I were speaking to somebody I cared about?”
Often the change needed is surprisingly small.
- “I should be coping better” becomes: “I wish this felt easier, and it makes sense that I’m finding it difficult.”
- “I must not let anyone down” becomes: “I care about being reliable, although I cannot meet everybody’s needs all of the time.”
The value remains. The pressure softens.
Final thoughts
The rules we carry often tell us something important about who we have learnt we need to be - capable, reliable, strong, helpful, productive, in control. There may be many things about those qualities that you genuinely value. The question is whether they still guide you, or whether you have started serving the rules instead. Perhaps the aim is not to live without standards or expectations. It is to allow those expectations enough flexibility to accommodate being human. There will be times when you do not cope as well as you would like. Times when you need help. Times when somebody is disappointed with you. Times when rest is more important than productivity and times when “good enough” really is enough. None of these moments necessarily says anything negative about who you are. Sometimes changing “I should” into “I would prefer”, “I value” or “I would like” is more than a change of language. It is a reminder that values can guide us without punishing us. If rigid expectations, self-criticism or feeling that you are never doing enough are contributing to anxiety or emotional exhaustion, CBT can help you explore where these rules come from and develop more balanced and compassionate ways of responding to yourself.